“I Want It All” – Baby

24 Dec

December 21st, 9:00pm, Pacific Standard Time, from here on in I shoot without a script…

At this moment I realized that the quote “we plan, God laughs” was going to be my new mantra from now on. Just an hour earlier life was as it should be. I was attending yet another routine ultrasound with my husband to view our twins of 19 weeks and we were so exited about the upcoming activities and events on our schedule. First, on December 23rd we would be driving to Palm Springs to celebrate Christmas/Hanukkah with the family. Then on December 26th I would turn the big 3-0 and we were going to drive to Las Vegas for a couple more days of fun and celebration. To top that all off we were then going to hop on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera from December 31st-January 7th to complete the “Dirty Thirty Birthday Celebration Extravaganza” (aka Babymoon). With our schedule so filled up, what could possibly go wrong?!?!? Oh yeah…the twins wanted to pop out and join us!

We are at our ultrasound appointment eagerly awaiting our doctor to begin so that he can find out what the sexes of the babies are, then secretly write it down in a card which would be opened exactly at midnight on December 26th (my birthday) for the big reveal. More planning for God to then laugh at. Instead, our doctor quickly noticed something was very wrong and that is when the party ended. My cervix was deemed “incompetent,” I was having contractions without feeling a thing, and I was getting close to losing both babies if we didn’t act fast. We were instructed to go directly to the hospital…do not pass go…do not collect $200. I was informed that this would be my new home for the next four months.

To help rid my mind of the potential danger that my unborn babies were in, I naturally started focusing on the superficial tragedies that were completely of no meaning or importance at all. What about our upcoming vacations? Will we get our money back for the cruise if we can’t go? Why didn’t we purchase the traveler’s insurance?!? My birthday is ruined! What am I going to do about work? Disability will only pay a portion of my salary! Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah…STOP! As my late mother would have said…”rich man’s problems.” Luckily, my rock (hubby) brought me back to reality to start focusing on what was really important which I was trying to avoid thinking about because of how extremely scared I was.

It took us two long years of patience, frustration, and expensive fertility drugs to finally get pregnant. You would think that we would be cut some slack after all we had already been through. How could I be so close to losing these angels that I prayed so hard for? I felt like I was in a bad Lifetime movie that I was unfortunately starring in. We finally arrived at the hospital, took a deep breath, and a leap of faith.

*The song “I Want It All” is from the 1983 Broadway musical Baby where pregnant women are singing about how they want to have a baby but also have everything else they want in life as well, which is hard once your child takes priority. This song really rang true for me because I was trying to cram in so many fun experiences before the babies were born. I wanted it all and knew that would not be possible come April/May so I booked up my schedule. Little did I know that the twins had a different plan for me and I had to let go of wanting it all because from the moment I became pregnant, they became the number one priority. Most Moms are able to get a lot out of their system before the baby comes and then shift their focus once the birth happens. This would not be my story due to the circumstances but the reward in the end will be completely worth it. Once those babies are born, I will truly have it all and nothing else will matter.


Best news ever!


6 Responses to ““I Want It All” – Baby”

  1. Kerry Ratliff December 26, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    I absolutley love everything about this. I love your patience, understanding of the situation, hope, that you are spending your time doing this,( which will be an amazing gift to those beautiful babies one day) instead of getting down, and I especially love the Anaologies. This brings tears to my eyes!! What a wonderful Mother you will be! Oh and I do know the feeling of the one person you need the most not being able to be there when you really really need them (but in a different way) and I know you can pull through this with all the support you have 🙂 See you later today!!


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